Teenager-Induced Mom Guilt

When my son joined the US Army, I felt a lot of guilt. I felt like I had failed him. I had raised him to be a nice, kind, loving man. I couldn’t help it that his father didn’t show up for him. I made sure he had a lot of time with good, solid, family men. He had mentors, scout leaders, teachers, and tons of uncles. He had my dad and the dads of his friends. What could I have done better?

I couldn’t help it that I only had sisters for him to play with. I couldn’t help so many things. But, here I was sending my son off to literally go kill people. You might consider this silly and dramatic, but I would consider myself a pretty-much passivist. My default is into negotiations rather than fighting. His choice hurt me.

It hurt because I know enough about my son to know what kind of recovery he will need someday when he is done. I know how he will have to negotiate so much each day as he just does his job. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just not what I had planned to experience with him.

As a homeschool mom, we talked about everything. We talked about peace and war, history, and our hard lessons learned. We talked about all things science and culture. He read nearly a million books before he left my home to go to the university. He was my little sponge-brained son.

And he still is. He has chosen his path and is happy, fulfilled, and excited about his future. And his mother has come to peace with it. I know I did my best. But it took a long, long time to get here. Funny how we have to fight ourselves sometimes…not really funny.

It’s not just that I will miss him every damn day. I will and I do, already. But the empath in me sees the faces of the mothers of the men he will be working with. The empath in me sees the mothers of the men he will be fighting. It is not difficult for me to feel the pain of their loss. Because it is the same as the pain of my potential loss as well.

It’s been 1.5 years since he left home after enlisting. When he left, I broke down like I never had before. I felt groundless and lost. All I wanted was to go back to the days when I knew my babies were safe. I wanted the days that were endlessly tiresome and exhausting, but filled with learning and laughter. I wanted the days that I loved and hated at the same time, because they were all there with me. And that was good.

Yesterday, my sweet daughter, who is sixteen, told me that she was no longer a virgin. As a mother who has been watching closely her entire life, this was not surprising. I saw how much and how deeply she loved the boy she was with. I could feel it. It was a sweet connection they had made. The boy is no longer here, but was a very central figure in our lives while he was.

And as a woman who grew up in the purity movement among the Mormons of the 1980’s, I never wanted my children to equate their worth with their virginity. That was my toxic shit to let go of and not repeat.

I didn’t. But here she is…16 years old, cute as a button, where I was at age 19 and married. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep last night and awoke with a migraine.

All of the what-ifs competed for center stage, all night last night.

• What if she thinks that the next guy will treat her the same, but all he wants is a piece of ass like most guys her age?
• What if she gets pulled into a pattern that so many girls do, trusting and getting hurt, repeatedly?
• What happens when and if my sister finds out and doesn’t allow my niece to spend time with her anymore?
• What happens if she gets pregnant? I am in no position, on any level, to provide for and care for a child.
• What if I have to watch this happen? What if my heart breaks and never heals? Watching our children hurt is so much worse than experiencing our own hurt.

What-ifs are the devil reincarnate. Every last one of them.

I wasn’t angry. I was sad. I am a mom with four children who are growing up too quickly, making adult choices and living the consequences. It’s just hard.

But the same guilt plagued me last night that hit me when my son left for the Army. Where had I failed? How could I have prevented this?

So many things swirled in my head. I felt so scared and intimidated by the possibilities that lie ahead of us.

I have no idea what it is like to be a sexually active teenager or young adult who is unmarried. I have no idea what those kinds of relationships feel like. I know there are committed relationships that are not marriages. I am in one now. But as a child, a youth, a young adult? I am in the dark.

And darkness breeds fear and uncertainty, so often.

I will recover from this migraine as well. And I will gather my wits and continue to show up for my kids. But, today, I feel tired. I feel tired, trying to convince myself that I didn’t fail. I feel tired, trying to convince myself that she is safe and that I should be grateful she trusted me enough to tell me.

I have lots of good, hard work ahead, I know. But I am not alone. Her siblings are watching out for her. My sweet man is a straight shooter and is doing a wonderful job as well. I am loved and supported, just as she is. We’ve got this.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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