Life as a mom isn’t exactly a fun experience. Sure, it is rewarding, of course, it’s dripping with heartwarming feelings, and it is absolutely filled with personal growth. However, catering to your little spawn’s everyday needs is ultimately a tiring, nerve-racking, and cumbersome experience you live through 24/7, 365 days per year. For the rest of your life. And besides being overfilled with the joy of your little one’s accomplishments, there’s one more thing you can do about your woes, and it is to laugh your socks off by reading these mom jokes formulated for those with kids yet entertaining for every human being. Laughter is, be as it may, the best painkiller and the elite in giving you a mental break. So yeah, this is our selection of the funniest mom jokes that we’ve found - all one hundred and eighty-two cool jokes which you can try to read in between feeding time, changing diapers, and cleaning up the constant mess.
These parenting jokes are trying to encapsulate what it is truly like raising kids. So, from kids trying to outsmart you every step of the way to you trying to explain to them the workings of life and doing the workload of at least twenty people, these parent jokes will resonate with your experiences with each word. Or, at least, it will give you something to laugh at! But, on the other hand, if these jokes are too painfully relatable to you, the very least they will do is reassure you that you are not alone on this quest to raise a decent human being, which is undoubtedly the hardest task of them all.
So, without any further ado - since we know that you don’t have much time before your baby wakes from their sleep and requires your attention - why don’t you scroll right down below and check out the funny jokes? Vote for the best mommy jokes that made you laugh and share this article with your friends experiencing the same overwhelming joy of raising progeny.
#1
I asked a police recruit during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”He said, “Call for backup.”
#2
"My 4YO fell off his scooter, and before I could help him, he stood up, dusted off, and whispered to himself, “shake it off big dawg.”I’ve never been more confused about whether something was a parenting win or fail."
#3
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.#4
"Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours."#5
When your mom’s voice is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.#6
Kid: What’s for dinner?Mom: Food.
Kid: What kind?
Mom: The kind you eat.
#7
“I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” - Reese Witherspoon#8
*In Mary Poppin’s voice* “Kids, time to go!”15 minutes later… *Christian Bale’s Batman voice* “I said, let’s go.”
#9
Mom’s recipe for iced coffee:Have kids. Make coffee. Forget you made coffee. Put it in the microwave. Forget you put it in the microwave. Drink it cold.
#10
Daughter: Mom, I need my personal space!Mom: You came out of my personal space.
#11
"Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor."#12
“I’ve conquered a lot of things… blood clots in my lungs — twice, knee and foot surgeries, winning Grand Slams being down match point, to name just a few. But I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller!” - Serena Williams#13
"Mom, stop you are not funny. You never make good jokes.""I made you."
#14
Whoever wrote the song “Easy Like Sunday Morning” did not have kids.#15
"When my kid tells me they got hurt doing exactly what I told them to stop doing so they wouldn’t get hurt, I say, “Oh noooooo…”"#16
"At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo."#17
"My mom once asked me to close the patio door because I was "letting the WiFi out."#18
“Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” - Michelangelo’s mother#19
“I love to play hide-and-seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school.”#20
A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?” The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.” The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”#21
Nothing is really lost until Mom can’t find it.#22
“I just watched my child individually pick off and eat every sprinkle on the donut I gave her. She has the patience for that, but can’t wait 30 seconds for me to pee by myself."#23
"My mum just bought our cat a Christmas stocking even tho we are muslims and don't even celebrate Christmas?? She was like "We don't know what religion he is we can't force him to be muslim" he's a cat?!?!"#24
"My 4yo grabbed the egg off my egg and cheese sandwich, put it on her plate, took a bite of it, and then grabbed the rest in her hand, squeezed it shut, and handed it back to me saying she didn’t want it anymore. And this... THIS is why I can’t have nice things."#25
"I always thought I’d be a patient mom, but I don’t like who I become 30 seconds into my son’s guided tour of his Minecraft village."#26
"My kids are never better friends than when it’s 30 minutes past bedtime, and they won’t stop giggling."#27
"My daughter is crying because her sister farted and I sprayed air freshener before she had a chance to sniff it. I’m raising savages."#28
“No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too.” - Chrissy Teigen#29
What is a jumper?Something you wear when your mother gets cold.
#30
"I’m not saying parenthood is hard, I’m just saying I was a LOT better at it before I had kids."#31
You know you’re a mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.#32
"My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time."#33
If at first you don’t succeed… try doing it the way Mom told you to in the beginning.#34
Mommy: Mommy will think about it!Narrator: Mommy never thought about it. She knew it was ‘no’ all along and just wanted everyone to STFU.
#35
"I always remind my kids: Having a weird mom builds character."#36
"I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times."#37
“Ah, babies. They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” - Tina Fey#38
“Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house.” - Julie Bowen#39
“You know how once you have kids you never ever pee by yourself again? At least one of them is always in there with you at all times.” - Jennifer Garner#40
"I don't care how cute your kid is. When you wake up in the middle of the night and see them standing next to your bed, they are terrifying."#41
"My daughter threw a tantrum because she felt it was too early to be spoken to and it really is a miracle that we create little versions of ourselves."#42
"Parenting hack: Tell much lamer bedtime stories than your spouse so that your children will ask for them instead of you every night."#43
"Overheard my 8yo tell his little sister that when she’s older she’ll grow a baby in her tummy like mummy did and she was quiet for a minute and then said no she wouldn’t because when she grows up she’ll be a starfish."#44
Never doubt a mother! She can carry a screaming toddler, two gallons of milk, talk on her cell phone, and still shoot you daggers for looking at her crazy.#45
“Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” - Shonda Rhimes#46
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” - Calvin Trillin#47
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” - Julia Roberts#48
Night Mom: Tomorrow, I’m going to get up early before all of the kids, pack their lunches, go for a run, cook a healthy breakfast, and enjoy 20 minutes of silent ‘me time.'Morning Mom: Hahahahahaha. Nice try.
#49
10 year old son: Mom what's a metaphor?Me: My life is a train wreck.
10 year old son: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
#50
"My teen is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed..."#51
"I wish I had the same confidence as my 5-year-old foster child jumping on the trampoline who tells me to watch him in case he hits his head on an airplane."#52
“I love all my children equally. Except for the one that sleeps… I love that one more.”#53
"At my age I’m no longer a snack; I’m a Happy Meal. I come with toys and kids."#54
"I hate when I’m waiting for mom to cook dinner and then I remember I am the mom, and I have to cook dinner."#55
"I stubbed my toe and my mom shouted at me for yelling, “What the duck!”She was angry that I used fowl language."
#56
“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'” - Paula Poundstone#57
"I love when the kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time."#58
Eight-year-old: I’m hungry.Mom: Have some fruit.
Eight-year-old: I don’t want fruit.
Mom: Then you’re not hungry.
#59
Knock, knock.Who’s there?
Yo mama.
Yo mama who?
Yo mama who knows you didn’t throw out the garbage like I asked you to.
#60
“Mom, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his mother replied. After dinner, the mother asked, “Now, baby, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”#61
Motherhood: When changing from plaid flannel PJs into black yoga pants qualifies as “getting dressed.”#62
Son: Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants?Dad: No.
Son: Then it’s a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!
#63
"I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"#64
"Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.An M&M.
In half."
#65
"Sorry I don't make the rules" I say blatantly lying to my child about a rule I just made up."#66
"My daughter wanted to keep a few rocks from the lake, but I said no, and anyway that's why there are rocks in my purse."#67
"If listening to your kid tell a story burned calories, I’d be invisible."#68
First kid: healthy, organic everything.After third kid: KFC chicken leg falls on floor - just pick it up and eat it, I don't care.
#69
Me: here’s your toast sweetie.7yo: did you toast it for 28 seconds?
Me:
7yo:
Me: yes.
7yo: why has it got black bits?
Me:
7yo:
Me: if you were a dinosaur which one would you be?
7yo: oh mummy good question! *talks about dinosaurs for 25 minutes while eating burnt toast*
#70
"Homeschooling is tough. For example, today I had to tell my son he didn’t make our baseball team."#71
8yo: I feel like you're always making up rules and stuff.Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don't pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension.
Me: well that's what happened to your older brother.
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
#72
"My 7yo wanted us to play hotel with her so we started pretending to call the front desk with a million different requests at the same time until she got so stressed out she didn’t want to play anymore."#73
"My mom texts me "lol" when I'm having a bad day because she STILL thinks it means "lots of love."#74
"In the middle of the millionth meltdown of the day, my 5yo said “I’m just so frustrating” (instead of “frustrated”) and I’ve never agreed with her more."#75
"Hey if you could spare a prayer for my 2-year-old right now, his granola bar wrapper was pulled down slightly too low and it’s unclear if a recovery from this is possible."#76
"Thoughts and prayers for my husband as our five year old looked him straight in the eyes and told him “your jokes aren’t funny.”#77
"5yo told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.#78
Son: Mom, can I get $20?Mom: Does it look like I’m made of money?
Son: Well, isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?
#79
"I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband."#80
My mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”
#81
“I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for six to eight more weeks.” - Petite Bello#82
"When can we come see the baby? Four a.m. would be super helpful. Thanks."#83
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” - Phyllis Diller#84
My nickname is Mom. But my full name is “Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom.”#85
"Bought my mom a mug that says, “Happy Mother’s Day from the World’s Worst Son.”"#86
"Please excuse the mess! My kids are making memories. Of me yelling at them. To clean up the mess."#87
"My kids asked me what it was like to be a mom. So, I woke them up at 3 a.m. demanding to know where my lucky sock was."#88
"My housekeeping style as a mom can best be described as “there appears to have been a struggle.”"#89
When did you know you were a mother?When I realized 90 percent of my day was locating someone else’s lost crap.
#90
Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.Mom: Did you finish your homework?
Mon: We have to go to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.
Mom: Dad and I talked, we are going to buy you a car next month.
Son: You are??? Omg thank you!
Mon: No. We're not. I just wanted to make sure you were getting my texts.
Son: That was cruel.
#91
"Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night."#92
"Have kids so they can do things like smack your thigh and yell: "SO WIGGLY."#93
"I was celebrating the fact my kids were all playing together nicely.Turns out my 8yo opened a Sharpie “tattoo shop” in his bedroom.
My 2yo has “tattoo” barbed wire across her chest and a skull with DEADLOCK scrolled down her arm."
#94
"Having kids is a great idea if you’ve ever looked at your markers and thought “if only they were a bit drier...”#95
"Stay in school, kids. No, I mean really. Don't come home. We need a break."#96
"Now that both my kids are in school all day, I can live the stay-at-home-parent dream of keeping caught up with the laundry."#97
"No one:Absolutely no one:
My 4yo: When I was in your tummy it was super gross in there."
#98
"My kids told me they aren't talking to each other at school because it's embarrassing. Today when I dropped them off for the 1st day of school they held hands, so I put my window down and yelled "NERDS!" as I drove off."#99
"If you buy a box of donuts for your kids and then eat the box of donuts before your kids see it, it’s as if the box of donuts never existed, I hope."#100
8 year old me: I'm bored.Mom: I can make you not bored. how bout you clean these dishes.
8 year old me: I'm going to go play outside.
#101
Mother is the one person who does the work of 20 for free.#102
What are the three quickest ways to spread a rumor?The internet, telephone, and telling your mom.
#103
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” - Carrie Underwood#104
Daughter: Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?Mother: I don’t know dear, ask your grandmother.
#105
To Mom: I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m hot, can I have… where are you?To Dad: Where’s Mom?
#106
Mom: I have the perfect son.Friend: Does he smoke?
Mom: No, he doesn’t.
Friend: Does he drink whiskey?
Mom: No, he doesn’t.
Friend: Does he ever come home late?
Mom: No, he doesn’t.
Friend: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
Mom: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
#107
Before having kids, every mom thinks she’ll be a super-chill mom. That’s because, at that point, we had no idea they’d break all our stuff, make ridiculous demands, and take roughly 10 years to get out of the car.#108
“As a mom, I’m constantly worried about the safety of my children. Like especially the one who’s been rolling her eyes and talking back to me.”#109
"The kids were bored so I suggested they play with any of the 8000 toys we have in the house and then we all laughed as I turned on Netflix."#110
"A surprising amount of parenting is bribing your kids with things you don’t want to do, then breathing a sigh of relief when they mess it up so you don’t have to deliver."#111
"All dads have a Fear of Missing Garbage Day."#112
"I went from Mama to Mommy to Mom to Hey can I have $20."#113
"6 was excited to meet the pizza at the door/set up the food at the table for the family. He ran from the door and threw the box on the table. What could go wrong? He then opened the box he accused me of ordering an upside-down pizza, “Why would you do that?!”#114
A mother said to her son, “Look at that kid over there; he’s not misbehaving.”The son replied, “Maybe he has good parents then!”
#115
Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?Student: When my mother sees my report card!
#116
"I feel personally victimized by my own daughter. I just want her to stop throwing crackers at me."#117
Remember when you first became a parent. And everything was so terrifying? Now you watch your kid lick the grocery cart and you don’t even break a sweat.#118
Mom: Come down for dinner!Kid: I’m busy, mooooom!
Mom: Right now before it gets cold! (runs down the stairs)
Kid: Where’s the food?
Mom: It’ll be ready in five minutes.
#119
What three words solve every dad’s problems?Ask your mother.
#120
"Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning, you can braid hair while I pack lunches, and we can all be late."#121
"I yelled “go to bed” so loud that I put the neighbor’s kids to bed."#122
"My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS."
#123
"Every time I email my mom something with a link in it, she always calls right away and asks, "Will this destroy my computer?"#124
"Basically every 'mom' joke would end with a punchline along the lines of "I love you, don't do drugs."#125
What do you call a small mom?Minimum.
#126
What makes more noise than a child jumping on mommy’s bed?Two children jumping on mommy’s bed!
#127
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it, anyway.” - Erma Bombeck#128
Why do Mothers have to have two visits to the optometrist?Because they also have eyes in the back of their head.
#129
“It’d be cool if my kids could make something I actually want, like a bottle of wine, out of macaroni and glue.” - Stephanie McMaster#130
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” - Kelly Oxford#131
"Yes, please get a new cup every time you need water" — said no mom ever.#132
"My kid is turning out to be exactly like me. Well played, Karma. Well played."#133
“Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” - Ed Asner#134
Why is Mother’s Day before Father’s Day?So the kids can spend all their Christmas money on mom.
#135
I love my kids. Not enough to flip the fish sticks halfway through cooking, but I love them.#136
Mom: Want some apple juice?Me: Okay.
Mom: It's in the fridge.
#137
"My favorite thing my daughter says to me every single day is "when you die I'm going to get all your money. Have a good sleep."#138
“Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!” - Humpty Dumpty’s mother#139
What did the lazy boy say to his mom on Mother’s Day when she was about to do the dishes?“Relax mom… you can just do them in the morning.”
#140
The amazing ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors, in the middle of the night, three bedrooms away — while dad snores next to you.#141
Is there any way to file a temporary restraining against a toddler? Just like 24 hours, maybe two days tops. Asking for a friend.#142
“[Kids] are challenging. Wine is necessary. They’re great though.” - Kelly Clarkson#143
Roses are red, Violets are blue. My mom’s jokes, are funnier than you.#144
Pointed look from mom: “Give you money? Oh, honey, I already gave you life.”#145
There are two amounts of pasta moms are good at cooking: Not enough and enough for 3,000 people.#146
"I think my teen finally got cold today because he left for school wearing a long sleeve Christmas sweater with his shorts."#147
Why did the baby strawberry cry?Because his mom was in a jam!
#148
Why did mom get a plate of English muffins on Mother’s Day?Her family wanted her to feel like a queen!
#149
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy#150
Licked a dark smear off my finger, and then thought, “Phew it’s chocolate.”#151
What kind of flowers are best for Mother’s Day?Mums.
#152
“Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.” - Amy Poehler#153
How do you get the kids to be quiet?Say, “Mum’s the word.”
#154
Why was the house so neat on Mother’s Day?Because Mom spent all Saturday cleaning it.
#155
“Every day when you’re raising kids, you feel like you could cry or crack up and just scream ‘This is ridiculous!’ because there’s so much nonsense, whether it’s what they’re saying to you or the fact that there’s avocado or poop on every surface.” - Kristen Bell#156
Motherhood is fun and all, but have you ever had the house alone on a Saturday?#157
Son: Mom, what’s a weekend?Mom: I don’t know, sweetheart, I haven’t had one since you were born.
#158
How many moms does it take to screw in a lightbulb?One, obviously, and she has to do it or else it won’t get done.
#159
Why did the mother cross the road?To get some peace and quiet!
#160
Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?Because mothers are priceless.
#161
Daycare: "Her mouth is all blue. What did she have for breakfast?"Me: "A marker."
#162
Why don’t mothers wear watches?There’s a clock on the stove.
#163
What did the mama say to the foal?“It’s pasture your bedtime.”
#164
Knock, knock.Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore you mommy!
#165
What warm drink helps mom relax?Calm-omile tea.
